[I thought you all may be wondering how Sister Danya is doing, so I asked her to write the Echo of Love this week. Below is an edited version of what she sent me. From pastor Jiwon Choi.]
August this year, tears streamed down my face while I was waiting for my turn at the Emergency room alone. “I have pancreatic cancer? A terminal disease with such a low survival rate?” The thought of “Why me again?” continuously lingered around my head. I physically could not utter any prayers; the only words I managed to whisper between my tears were, “Lord.. Lord.” At that time, my heart was full of despair and resentment. However, I tried to turn a blind eye to it even though I was struggling to stay afloat from this desperation. I acted like I was fine, inscribing in my head “I cannot resent God who saved me and kept me alive till now, there has to be a reason for this suffering.” And on November 15th, when I heard that the cancer had spread to my lungs, my husband and I once again fell into a pond of deep despair and disappointment and could not manage to tell our family members the news for the next few days.
Starting from August this year, my worsening physical condition made it more difficult to attend Sunday worship services at Hanmaum church, making me thirst for worship. My thirst grew even more and fueled my desire to pray when I heard the news in November that cancer was spreading to other parts of my body. Thankfully there was a church near my house that I had attended previously with the advice of Pastor Choi. I desperately sought to go there again. The church offers Wednesday worship service for personal prayers. Before my cancer came back, it had always been a place for me to go when I was overwhelmed by life’s change. So, although it was very hard for me to go outside due to frequent diarrhea, I returned to the place of prayer once again.
The short sermon that the pastor delivered that day personally spoke to me and left me with many tears. “Most people who believe in Jesus say they’re okay and try to act as if they are fine when facing sickness or other big problems. However, this is not right. It is certain that they would have experienced great pain, despair and resentment inside their heart. So what they need to do is to pour out to the Lord their true feelings. God knows all of our personal circumstances and is a father who listens to and sympathizes with our bitter hearts.” During the personal prayer time of that service, I was able to tell God my real feelings, and prayer started to flow out of my mouth once more.
That day, God left me an important message in my heart. “My daughter whom I dearly love, you ask that your body may be healed… but what’s important is your heart. I want you to live strongly in faith. What problem can there be when I am your Father who is with you, treasures you, and always wants to give you the best of things? If there is one problem within you however, it is that your heart is overwhelmed with many things. I want you to rest in me as my beloved. If you do so, then your heart will change and your body will change. The more you come to accept and acknowledge God’s heart, the more easily you will be able to go through these tough times. I do not care if it is your complaint or your broken heart. Since I know the depths of your hearts and am ready to hear it, be honest with me and tell me what’s in your heart. Then you will be able to see how I satisfy your wishes and stay with you as your Father. From now on, I want you not to strive for the healing of your body, but I want you to enjoy what is rightfully yours, be thankful about it and see how it touches and heals you. I was with you in the past and will always continue to be with you in the future. I want you to be my daughter and overcome the pain with the joy and the pleasure of being with me. I want you to experience the power of the gospel, so strong and bold that it will bring you victory over suffering.”
In the past I was scared of what would come next and hung on to God for healing of my physical sickness. Although I called myself a believer, I kept my distance with God and only maintained a dead relationship with him exchanging routine thanks and compliments: a true father-daughter relationship was not there. However, starting from that Wednesday day, I was able to enjoy a true father-daughter relationship with God; I was able to speak my heart to “my Lord”. The God who knows me well always loved me even in times when my faith was as small as a mustard seed, and even now he knows what I need most and speaks to me quietly. And His word gives me courage to fight my illness without fear, and enables me to live yet another day. Lord, you know me better than I know myself, thank you. I love you too. And I want to express my thanks and love to my Hanmaum family for continuously praying for me. All of you are like angels that we could not meet in Korea~. Learning from your helping hands and prayer, I will try to be a good believer and pass on God’s blessing to others.
From Danya Kim